If I could I would, but I don’t know how.

I have felt rather lost of late. Specifically, I seem to have lost faith in my capability to maximize life decisions in the next few months.

My Amazon interview was not successful---I had major issues communicating with the interviewer despite thinking that I had the correct answers to his questions. I was nearly catatonic all Friday afternoon, having spent all my physical and emotional energy in the preceeding days on studying for the interview. The week seemed like such a waste; I could have not studied and stayed current with my other work without any change in the interview result.

I received an e-mail Monday morning alerting me to their decision to "pursue other candidates."  I know I should dismiss this failure as one step in finding gainful employment in Seattle---a learning experience---but I cannot help but question my capability and potential as a software engineer. Did my last two years as a systems administrator stagnate my programming abilities and eliminate any possibility for a computer science-related job? I just do not know.

Brooke continues to mention the self-employment prospect. I see the obvious benefits in personal and professional freedoms and the obvious drawbacks in finances and health care. I doubt the decision in that I do not want to be scared away by the job application process---I do not want to give up and settle. Still, I have always thought of self-employment as a goal for which to strive, a professional choice allowing me to take an active role in my future family. I need consider these issues further.

I will write more later. I must spend the rest of my morning in less than useful and efficient meetings.