Late Musings

I remember watching Punch Drunk Love during my junior year. I watched it again tonight after much time away.

I remember, soon after seeing it the first time, Joe Checkelsky asking me about the film at dinner after Ultimate practice: I became uncomfortable in attempting to talk about it and gave him an evasive answer. I was lonely at the time, I am sure, and to describe how the film resonated within me would have been to reveal some of the frantic insecurity I felt, or to unravel a few of the strange and uncomfortable states in which I found myself over the years.

"Some of it was personally relevant," I think I said, or something similar.

"Isn't that the point of movies?" he replied (approximately) and I felt foolish and looked away. But you don't understand, I thought. This could be my life! This man, well-meaning but so lost and misunderstood, this man could be me. A few more steps into crazy, into isolation, and I would be selling novelty plungers in a bright blue suit in Sherman Oaks.

I was young and foolish and still, somehow, believed in the unique nature of my loneliness. I am still young, and I am still foolish, but I hold fewer illusions. And I miss Joe.

Regardless, this film hits me in the gut, hard, and I find myself wavering nervously between laughter and tears. I call it beautiful in a real and true sense separate from any relevant film knowledge or vocabulary. And beyond the aesthetics, the complex visuals and accompanying music are so appropriate and so evocative: I can feel Barry's emotional state. Paul Thomas Anderson, are you truly the man who gave us Boogie Nights?

Watching it again tonight, I kept catching my breath in anticipation, knowing the moment about to come, and then still flooding with emotion anew.

Adam Sandler's performance is surely his best, and one of my favorites of any actor. Don't worry, Adam, I saw Spanglish, and that was great, too.

And, Emily Watson, I would fly to Hawaii for you. No matter our fifteen years of difference. When you walk, and your skirt swishes just so: I die.