5 Bad Songs I Just Have to Love

I will go years and years, decades even, without having thought of a song and then suddenly it will pop back into my head. This song will be a bad song, something outside the realm of any reasonable musical taste, and often from the 80s or early 90s. I will listen to it once, and then all is lost. I will yearn to listen to it again and again and the song will make its way into iTunes and onto my iPhone. And then how can I argue that I do not, in fact, like the song? Here are five horrid tunes on which I’ve been recently fixated.

Songs and discussion after the jump. Tell me in the comments about the bad songs you love.

First is “Come Sail Away” by Styx, but performed by Eric Cartman. My NeonGecko coworkers have a bit of South Park obsession and we regularly listen to this song late in the afternoon.

Another key offering from Styx is “Lady,” which was immortalized for me by Freaks and Geeks, the particular scene from which is unfortunately unavailable on YouTube. Lindsay arrives in Nick’s basement, expecting him to want sex, and is equally horrified by his profession of love through a Styx sing-along and the subsequent couch nuzzling. This song perfectly describes love. Right.

Oh, wait, no no no, that’s not the song that perfectly describes love. That honor falls to “All for Love” by Sting, Bryan Adams, and Rod Stewart. This song was the theme to the Charlie Sheen version of Three Musketeers. Sting, why did you agree to such a terrifying team-up? You were in The Police! Aren’t you better than this?

Can we talk about the setting for this one? Who records in an empty concert hall? I have the answer: a washed-up, cocaine-addled trio whom promoters refuse to book for actual shows.

Bryan Adams and a movie set in Medieval times are a surefire combination. Kevin Costner, good job with Field of Dreams and Dances with Wolves. What the hell were you thinking during the rest of your career? And, come on, even a younger, bearded Severus Snape would obviously kick Robin Hood’s ass halfway to Hogwarts. Enjoy Bryan Adams performing amidst the crepuscular rays of Sherwood and interspersed clips of the always dreamy Christian Slater. I give you “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You.”

My final offering is “Believe or Not” by Joey Scarbury. This song was the theme to Greatest American Hero, one of my favorite television shows in the early 80s. Check out the synopsis from YouTube:

A teacher is asked to be a superhero using a special alien suit with powers he can barely understand or control, after losing the instruction manual.

Pure gold!

Jeez, I had such a huge crush on Connie Sellecca. 80s TV women were the best. In closing, and as a bonus, I give you George Costanza’s answering machine rendition of “Believe or Not.”