Giant Rabbits + Communist Dictatorship = Crazy Delicious

I have had this post waiting in the wings for some time now. I keep trotting out this fantastical story to friends—it even came out at Thanksgiving. I figure the time is right to support my wild leporid tale with hard facts.

I first read of Karl Szmolinsky in an interview in Viceland. This champion breeder of giant rabbits outside of Berlin was informed by the North Korean embassy that Kim Jong Il was interested in Szmolinsky’s humongous hares as a food source for the famine-stricken Hermit Kingdom. The good-natured and trusting man was happy, even proud, to support such a noble cause as feeding children. Regardless, the BBC profiled Szmolinsky soon after North Korea’s request and labeled him a Communist, nostalgic for the old days before the Berlin Wall fell.

Szmolinsky sold 12 rabbits to the North Koreans, who sent the animals to a farm in Pyongyang. He also provided a book about breeding, feeding and raising them for maximum food production. Szmolinsky was optimistic for the program and understandably excited at the prospect of traveling to North Korea to further instruct in proper techniques.

The happy tale ends here. The disingenuous North Korean officials cut off all communication with Szmolinsky and their embassy in Berlin refused to speak to or see him. Plans for a local film feature were scrapped and the affable German became fearful for his rabbits’ fate. He did not wait long for his fears to be confirmed: a London reporter returned to Europe with news for Szmolinsky. Kim Jong-il ate the rabbits as part of a special birthday feast.

In the interview in Viceland, Szmolinsky declares that “all politicians are bandits” and decries the now obvious scam. Regardless, he is negotiating with the Chinese government to broker a similar deal, trusting that country not to trick him similarly.

John Updike would likely counsel, “Rabbit, run!” What can I say? Only in Communist states do they take the Red pill and see how deep the rabbit-hole goes.